Equilibrium Love

EQUILIBRIUM
- shawna ray, today

Is my infatuation
Merely a soul distraction?
Pulled by a wind that's waiting
For you to notice me

I want to be in the groove
With you, drifting by
Equal to librium
No less and no goodbye
Equilibrium
Equilibrium

Free, as you are, I'll love you
As long as you're loving
Constant as one, thou separate
Pure as the light of day

I want to be in the groove
With you, drifting by
Equal to librium
No less and no goodbye
Equilibrium
Equilibrium

Reaching reaction
In forward action
Equal attraction
This give and take
We lift each other
Holding our own as
We love and let love
Staying the change

I want to be in the groove
With you, drifting by
Equal to librium
No less and no goodbye
Equilibrium
Equilibrium

Reaching reaction
In forward action
Equal attraction
This give and take

- If you hear music to match these lyrics, please email me at shawnaray @ live.com so we can collaborate. T'm writing this from my phone since my computer died this week. It lived a good life and is at peace now. So please excuse any finger peck typos.

So this image above is art that was submitted in the search for a human rights logo back in 2011. Sorry I do not know the name of the artist. They chose another logo that is perfect.  But I also love this image that reminds me of what I think of in terms of real, lasting love, that is equal and unwavering. This also represents all levels of human interaction, attraction and collaboration. There are certain elements that allow individuals to bond in friendship or work together on a level that allows each person to bring their gifts to the table and by joining together, the multiplied result is greater good and increased value. Every human being has this potential and deserves equal respect. At the same time, there are some who have a certain chemistry or vibration that just seems to fit together.

I have been processing the idea of an equilibrium love, a chemically reactive equivilant. I think a soul mate is not one who completes or changes you. The two remain constant as individuals, though uniting as one. Understanding that all life goes through changes, I have been longing for a pure and unchanging bond that allows two people to love and grow naturally, moving forward together, without taking anything away from the individual.

I have loved to a fault and been loved to a fault. It seems to often be one sided, where one gives more. What I want is an equal. Not someone who is exactly like me. But someone who matches me and feels me. I have no idea what that really means yet. I hope that I will know when I find and feel it. All I know is, I am no longer willing to settle for anything less. I have wasted a lot of time and energy in soul distractions and self sabotage. So I am spending more time asking myself a lot of questions these days. Becoming who I am meant to be. Finding and expressing my true self and finding my own balance from within. That way I will also be open and able to recognize and connect with team and band mates and in this case, hopefully a partner someday to share the journey.

Growing Up Dads

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads, and those who fill those shoes. Special thanks to all single Moms and those who mentor and support kids who do not have present Dads. This is a picture of my son with his Dad before the divorce.

I remember being so angry that my ex was not involved in his kids lives or paying child support for years. I wrote and posted this song, "Don't be a Dead Beat" last year. Sorry that relationships with writers can be a blessing or a curse. But since I aired the dirty laundry then, I am happy to report that he has been paying child support for over six months now and has seen his kids three times this past year! Compared to my Dad and many who are actively involved, there is still major room for growth. But I have learned that when we focus on the good, it can then increase.

Many boys and girls become Dads and Moms before they are ready for the full responsibility. Maybe they did not have an example and positive role model of how to be an active and encouraging Dad/Mom, or they just lose their way for a time in selfishness, addiction and negative choices that take them so far down the wrong path that they struggle to find their way. Watching Oprah Winfrey's series on single Moms and Dads, what I realized is that many Dads become defeated and give up because they feel like failures and act in that belief. Especially when there is a strong Mom involved, and we do become Mamma Bears to protect our children, always reminding them of how they fall short.

So today, I want to thank all of the imperfectly perfect Dads and the Father of my children, for the times when you have been present and have supported your kids. To all of the Dads and Moms who are still growing up... Today is a new day! You have a choice, to be there for your kids. We ALL fall short and need grace. We need to be reminded of who God made us to be. Life is short. Make the time to show your kids you love them. Forgive your Dad for what he couldn't do and choose to do better.

I am thankful for the time I had with my Dad. Bob Goebel was an awesome Father! I have this framed picture below of a rainbow, because he was the one who taught me to "Look for the rainbow" through every storm, and never give up. While I was in college, my dad was battling cancer. One day after a weekend visit at home, I found this note inside a heart that my Dad had written on one of the inside pages of my binder. Losing him when I was 22, I have treasured this piece of paper. And I added this fortune cookie note in the frame, "Character matters. Leadership descends from character." My Dad was a true leader, with integrity and character. He was not perfect, but he was always present, seeking God and planning fun adventures for our family. I had no idea then that he would be gone too soon. I miss him so much!

Every little thing that Dads do to say and show, "I love you" matters! It is not about the amount of money you spend. It is showing that you care. Do not give up! Do what you can. Live forgive and be present, today. We will get through the growing pains. Every experience teaches us the lessons we need to learn to move forward and be our very best with each new day.
Happy Growing Family Day!

Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, sung by Shawna Ray

Video above in memory of Dr. Maya Angelou, where I am singing her poem Phenomenal Women into my phone, with words listed. I found this photo by Adria Richards with a quote through ASCF.org online, so I hope that's okay. Now I wish I had done more with this sooner.

But here's the story...I wake up and sing song ideas into my phone all the time, but I never intend for anyone to hear them publicly. In April I woke up and sang this rough a capella version of the poem for some reason. (Can I possibly give any more disclaimers?? Like if I was 11 wouldn't you think this was okay? And do you realize that most of what you hear in music has been highly processed and recorded with high tech microphones? And most people sound awful singing into a phone. Ahhhh Let it go already). All I know is, I have to share. 

Rest in peace. You will be missed. And we will forever be grateful for the legacy you left behind and your Heartsong that lives on through your writing and those you have inspired.

 – Shawna Ray   

Website: www.shawnaray.com
Direct link to videos on youtube: http://youtube.com/imshawnaray 

See previous blog entry for another song collection of Maya Angelou poems posted yesterday, a Timeless Face of Grace with Poetry that Penetrates...

http://shawnaray.blogspot.com/2014/05/timeless-maya-angelou.html

Timeless, Maya Angelou

A few years back  a friend gave me The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou book for Christmas. As I refreshed my memory re-reading the works of one of my favorites, Maya Angelou, I noted some quotes under the headline, "A timeless face of grace and inspiration." I pulled and placed the quotes and excerpts from some of her poems into a sort of song or collective in lyrical form. I call these "Maya Moments" when creativity is flowing, even if I don't know where it is going. I am nowhere close to the writer she is, but she truly inspires and motivates me. 

This collection has been saved in the memo on my phone. When I heard the news of her passing today, I found this and decided to post it. I also found a very rough recording where I sang Maya Angelou's poem Phenomenal Woman into my phone and made a video with the words to that poem to share. 

As Maya said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." I know that's right! If anyone finds it hard to read mixed bits and pieces from poems that they hold dear, please know that my intention is to honor Dr. Maya Angelou, as I hold her dear as well. This previously caged bird continues to find ways to sing. I hope to somehow record the song soon.

In memory..

Timeless, Maya Angelou    

Excerpts referenced below from Maya Angelou poems placed into song lyric form through Shawna Ray, 2011 

Maya Angelou

Poetry that penetrates

“In minor note the difference                   

In major ways we're all the same”    (*1)

Maya Angelou

“Birthing’s hard and dying’s mean                      

Living's a trial in between”   (*2) 

A timeless face of grace

           

"Now thread my voice with lies of light      

Force within my mirror eyes

The cold disguise of sad and wise

Decisions"   (*3)                                                      

            

"So if today I follow death                          

Go down it is a trackless waste 

Salt my tongue on hardened tears

My precious dear oh time's waste race" (*4) 

           
“Will you have the grace to mourn me?     

Will my writing tell of time?”

Doubt and fear ungainly things

With blushings disappear”  (*4)

         

I think about myself and laugh                          

“A dance that's walked a song that's spoke

For when I think about myself

I laugh so hard I almost choke"   (*5)

“My folks can make me split my side              

The tales they tell can sound like lies

They grow the fruit and eat the rind

I laugh until I start to cry”  (*5)

Maya Angelou

Poetry that penetrates

“In minor note the difference                         

In major ways we're all the same”   (*1)

Maya Angelou

“Birthing's hard and dying's mean                 

Living's a trial in between”   (*2)

A timeless face of grace

Yes I will have the grace to mourn you         

As your writing tells of time

“Doubt and fear ungainly things                      

With blushings disappear”    (*4)

Maya Angelou

Poetry that penetrates

Maya Angelou

A timeless face of grace      

 Excerpts from the follow Maya Angelou poems: 1) Human Family; 2) Is Love; 3) How I Can Lie to You; 4) Mourning Grace; 5) When I Think About Myself)

Rest in Peace. Your Heartsong lives on...

Destination is the Journey

Destination is The Journey

- Shawna Ray, original song written Oct 20, 2008

I seem to just wander all over the page

You say to go forward and put things in place

But I say this time spent in motion and dreams

Is creative direction and maybe it seems

We circle to get to the core

Until the journey takes me to the point

Where all of this meandering makes more sense

While I get there you will hear me sing

The destination is the journey

The winding of lines are all so intertwined

Look out at the rivers where streams meet in time

They push but still turn, avoiding the damn block

Still moving though slowly eroding the rock 

Life moves with intentions unseen

Until the journey takes me to the point

Where all of this meandering makes more sense

While I get there you will hear me sing

The destination is the journey

So you keep your straight lines and boxes for containing

I’ll keep my circles, emoji  is still smiley

You keep your type A for fixing and dictating

I am OK with Being me 

As the journey takes me to the point

Where all of this meandering makes more sense

While I get there you will hear me sing

the destination is…

(The Muppets) Near------ far ---

So near ------and far

 The destination

The whole fixation...

And seemingly aimless direction
In art and laughter
The now and the after
The raw fresh beauty 
In family and nature
This is a journey!
Please share it with me
Life is a journey!

Aftermath

Aftermath

Music in the Making by Shawna Ray, today 5/7/14

You might have liked the young and pretty me

So full of armor, light and energy

Choices were made and now I’m living

Consequences of a worn down dream  

There’s a new growing grass

Flowers bloom again

All is well, no regrets

What remains intact?

Unbroken, unharmed, unscathed, complete

Untouched, uncut, undefiled, indiscrete

Is a good, good heart

With a love to laugh

There’s a free bird soul

With an olive branch

Coming back from the aftermath

I'm coming back from the aftermath

Some lessons we must learn the hard way

So we can help another someday

Divided we can fall and ruminate

Still love that penetrates is worth the wait

There’s a new growing grass

Flowers bloom again

All is well, no regrets

What remains intact?

Unbroken, unharmed, unscathed, complete

Untouched, uncut, undefiled, indiscrete

Is a good, good heart

With a love to laugh

There’s a free bird soul

With an olive branch

Coming back from the aftermath

I'm coming back from the aftermath

There's some things beyond our control
I'm ready to finally let go

With a good, good heart

And a love to laugh

There’s a free bird soul

With an olive branch

Coming back from the aftermath

I'm coming back from the aftermath

Single Moms Club

I went to see The Single Moms Club on Friday, opening night with my girlfriend Michelle, another single Mom. I LOVED it and had a blast! Tyler Perry movies just have a way of thoroughly entertaining while informing, connecting and unifying like only a few can do. What I loved the most was chatting with the diverse group of women in our row and around us in the movie theater, (there were some cool men in the audience too). We were all laughing together and sharing similar heartaches and connections.

SPOILER ALERT - One scene that bothered many of us was when all of the Moms left all of the kids with a neighbor that Hillary had just met because one of the kids went missing. We all busted out laughing when someone said, “Why are they all just taking off and leaving them kids with Stranger Danger?” My new friend to my left said, “I bet that boy is just upstairs making out with Miss Thang, (the daughter of the career women who was craving attention and had been caught kissing a boy earlier).  It was odd that they all piled in one car and drove across town to the Moms house before really searching the designated babysitter Mom’s house first. Of course this provided that dialog moment in the car with all of the Moms.

Another funny moment was when the uptight publishing career women (who most of us were completely hating on in the beginning, but came to at least understand in the end) finally disclosed that she had been so busy climbing the corporate ladder that she had been celibate, no sex, for 10 years. The out loud audience comment, “That’s her problem right there!” made us laugh out loud! I feel you girl!    

All of us had stories to share about times when our ex-husbands or baby daddies did not show up to pick up the kids as promised and how we handled their disappointment, tears and anger that usually gets redirected at Mom and creates issues down the road.  If only "I'm sorry" made everything all better and we could then live happily ever after as friends. Of course all of these single Moms end up with seemingly great guys and that is not realistic. But I guess we do enjoy fantasizing in movies.  I too would be happy to meet the actor who played T.K. and/or get my book/movie published by a friend. Just sayin’.

Thank you Tyler Perry for sharing this story that brought to light some of the strongest individuals on the planet – single Moms! And like you explained in your email blast, most of us did not get here by choice. So please people don’t hate on single Moms.  The reality is that most women, whether single or not, still do the majority of the work raising kids while also working jobs and keeping up with all of the extracurricular minutia.  Yes there are good Dads out there and also single Dads who do it all too (props to you). I have not ever had the experience of an equal partner in love, but I try to keep it open. Like Lytia (my fave- Cocoa Brown) explained to Hillary, “You just wake up every day and do what you gotta do!” (something along those lines)

Keeping it real – my girlfriend thought this movie served up a little too much quickly sliced cheese in between white buns, in terms of the dialog and neatly stacked story line. It might be because we are a bit jaded at times as single Mom and we know it’s unrealistic to think that men like that would be so available and understanding of our sit-chi-ation. But we choose to look for the good, most days.

I would love to find and help organize an actual Single Moms Club of some sort. In fact, I will just put this out into the universe that I have been developing ideas for SMILE homes (Single Mothers Integrated Living Exchange) that would allow single mothers to share the load in a nice home. I welcome ideas, collaborators and especially investors!!! Send me a private message here or on Facebook if you want to connect.

Live, Forgive, Love, Laugh and Learn,

Shawna Ray

Heartsong

February 20^th is the day my Dad died. Some might say he passed away or moved on to the next life. I was 17 years old when we found out he had cancer and 22 when he died. I love this amazing man so much and struggled to make sense of it all for a long time. I still miss him. 

In the Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume II he wrote to the widow of his friend, “My friendship is not ended. His death has had the very unexpected effect of making death itself look quite different. I believe in the next life ten times more strongly than I did. At moments it seems almost tangible. Mr. Dyson, on the day of the funeral, summed up what many of us felt, ‘It is not blasphemous’, he said ‘To believe that what was true of Our Lord is, in its less degree, true of all who are in Him. They go away in order to be with us in a new way, even closer than before.’ A month ago I would have called this silly sentiment. Now I know better. He seems, in some indefinable way, to be all around us now. I do not doubt he is doing and will do for us all sorts of things he could not have done while in the body.”

I wrote Heartsong after the funeral of my Grandmother, in memory of her, my Father and other loved ones who have passed on. They gave me the support and encouragement to finally record my first album. 



It sucks to lose people you love. That's real. But when we are open, we can still feel their touch in our lives and hear their voices that continue to guide. I have faced a series of life and health challenges since I recorded the album and was never able to tour. I am in the process of writing a novel that tells the story and have two new albums of songs in the waiting. I will not give up on this dream.

The Heartsong lives on in each of us who hold the memories we cherish as we chose to live, give, forgive, love, laugh and learn.

-          Shawna Ray

Young Love is in the Air and Parents Everywhere are Scared

February is the month for romance, or so the card and gift companies tell us. I don’t have much to share in this department personally. Meanwhile, my 16 year old son Zach and his girlfriend Rachael are in LOVE and recently celebrated their two year anniversary.

This seems rare at their age and it scares me because that is longer than his Dad and I ever dated before getting married young, (our anniversary use to be on Valentine’s Day). A single Mom for over ten years, guilty as charged with a tendency to over protect, I have navigated this new uncharted territory with the same "out of my control" realization as the divorce and my son’s recent driving lessons. But I am still the parent and teacher, often times chauffeur and hand check police chief. They have heard me say, “Slow your roll” a lot lately because I told them both it is hard to slow things down once you start the roll down hill it picks up speed. I feel like a spy creeping in to check on them while they are “watching” a movie. In these moments it is hard to not have a relationship with my ex, who only sees the kids once or twice a year. I sometimes wish I had a present partner in all of this newness or that I could stop time and make different choices in my youth. I don’t have the luxury of good cop, bad cop or deferring decisions. That is where faith, forgiveness and a lot of prayer and meditation kick in.

In those peaceful and aware moments, I find contentment and feel grateful and happy that Zach is confident, smart and now taking the wheel and finding his own way in life and love. He also has a job and can now pay for his own dates and gifts, which is very nice. I have done my best to give him all the love and tools he will need to figure it out. We talk openly about pretty much everything, so I’m thankful for that. And when I feel he has tuned me out on certain subjects, I have enlisted my brother, Uncle Rob to talk to him. The good thing is, Zach and Rachael are able to talk to each other easily and they have worked through disagreements and separation since we moved to a new school district.

Who knows where it will go from here? My 14 year old daughter Kaiya and I both really like Rachael too and the fact that Zach is completely himself around her. They were really good friends for a long time before it turned into a thing, so she already feels like family in many ways. They both play sports and get good grades. They keep busy and see each other about once a week for a “date” with parents trading off carpooling and hosting at home or driving them to a public place. Zach is getting ready to take his driver’s test and I will be forced to detach even more at that point. Yikes!!!

I am trying to readjust my own expectations and timeline to accept and enjoy this stage and age. When I see red flags, I have talked to both of them together and in private. Rachael’s Mom and I also get along and talk a lot, mostly via text. This is the parenting life that you are never really prepared for, but must take one day at a time. It is what it is for now…Young love…And a lesson in letting go for us parents.

It’s a whole new world, especially with social media these days. But they really are cute and also very open…Check out the video Rachael (who is also very good at media and graphic arts) made for Zach on Instagram embedded above or link below (and since I am a musician I must credit the song by Drake, Hold On We're Going Home)… http://instagram.com/p/jprJibyIlX/

For a laugh on the subject...watch this Old Spice Commercial..

You Are Worth It

Worth It

-         - Shawna Ray - Letter/Song to my daughter Kaiya (and my younger self)

There will be playas - who like it plastic

There will be pushers - that stuff is toxic

There will be haters - turn off the bull-tish

You are a lover hope you know you are worth it

That love that flows and fills you up

That laughter that is priceless

An equal to your clever wit

Just wait and know you are worth it

There will be bad boys who like to chase it

Some can be twisted - that time is wasted

There will be one that gives you a real kiss

You are a lover hope you know you are worth it

That love that flows and fills you up

That laughter that is priceless

An equal to your clever wit

Just wait and know you are worth it

You can be a friend to the one who needs fixed

It is fun to hang with the cool class clown

Choices can be life with the party people

Recognize a mind who will work it out

That love that flows and fills you up

That laughter that is priceless

An equal to your clever wit

Just wait and know you are worth it

And one more thing about "the sex"
Love comes first, always protect
Building trust will take some time
Careful with this strong soul tie
In love that flows and fills you up

Just wait and know you are worth it!

Reoccurring Dreams of THAT ONE DAY

This past year was challenging. I found myself out of a job and struggling to find my place. My kids are now teens who are changing so fast. And I continue to have these reoccurring dreams and songs that wake me up in the middle of the night and inspire me in moments. Like the time when I had a vision of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. saying “I have a dream THAT ONE DAY…” It was 11/11/07 and I believed I was to be a part of a unity movement that would bring people of hope and change together on 11-11-11. I wrote letters to key leaders and bought the web address’ www.thatoneday (.com and .org). I have made baby steps, but also feel completely inadequate to take any of this on.

When 11-11-11 came around, I was recovering from major surgery that ended up making matters worse and causing a lot of damage to my body. I was back to work full time even though I was still in a lot of pain. I did take a few hours on a  limited budget to go to a studio and record a very quick version of the song 11:11. My friend Martin filmed it so we could post a video on 11-11-11 (see video below). It wasn’t what I thought it would be, but it was something. 

I was working at a Poverty Solutions Collaborative and was a part of a unifying movement at the university, including facilitating Open Doors conversations founded by my friend Bowen Marshall. Martin and I also filmed health stories of individuals who were homeless and living in poverty and I coordinated several events and conferences that empowered open thinking. I still believe it will all play a part someday. But then  the center funding was cut and we all lost our jobs. I now know what it feels like to have to file for welfare so that my kids have insurance. I have been so disillusioned by systems and organizations that claim to be raising money and working toward social causes that they barely support. I know there are also some good programs doing amazing work and every step moves us forward. But I gotta be honest...There have been times when I have found myself completely frustrated and depleted by all of this.

Still, I know that I am connected to something much bigger and this month I received another reminder. I had no idea how I would cover my rent two weeks ago and then out of the blue I got a call from an entrepreneur wanting to purchase the domain web address thatoneday. He offered the exact amount of money that I had prayed for to cover the bills. His senior care business was not what I thought would be on that website, but it is what it is. I still have thatoneday.org to develop a website once I have the support to start a nonprofit organization.

When I hear Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. speak or watch the Nelson Mandela story and movies like The Butler and 12 Years a Slave recently, I am inspired to …

1. Get over myself because I know very little of what it feels like to truly struggle

2. Keep moving forward, doing what I can do peacefully

3. Be thankful for family, friends and all that is good in my life, as I seek and flow in the abundance to come...

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men [and women] are created equal.’”

New song ideas...

Reoccurring Dreams

Seems like everything is falling down

Did we miss a step or throw ourselves?

Remembering all the dreams that never went away

Philosophies and the fortune teller saying I should wait

September never came

Or is it yet to be?

I’ve tried to play the game

But I cannot compete with a younger me

What does it mean? 
These reoccurring dreams

Can’t go back and so I’ll start with now

Pour my heart and hope you’ll hear me out

There’s no regret this is life and we learn as we go

I'll pass the test and survive knowing what I know now

September never came

Or is it yet to be?

I’ve tried to play the game

But I cannot compete with a younger me

What does it mean? 
These reoccurring dreams

Reoccurring dreams

Have something to say

Reoccurring dreams

Of that one day

-         by Shawna ray